Today I acquired a new nickname - "Snoreman". Turns out that last night I was snoring up a storm. I honestly only snore when I'm really tired or just uncomfortable, and apparently last night I was a bit of both. I guess the snoring was so loud that the guy sleeping in the bunk nearest mine was awakened at about 2:30 AM. In an attempt to wake me up so I'd stop snoring, he threw his kevlar helmet at my bunk. Luckily he missed. I didn't wake up.
There are other nicknames floating around. Snoreman is far from the worst. I guess there's another soldier here who grinds his teeth at high volume when he sleeps. He has since been dubbed "toothgrinder".
Another soldier who is hear was caught trying to flirt with a disinterested female today. He was sitting way too close for her comfort, and it was apparent that she was uncomfortable and becoming annoyed with his lack of respect concerning space bubbles. We accordingly named him "close-talker".
I guess this new trend of giving out nicknames is due to the soldiers desperation for entertainment. We're so hard up for something to laugh at that we invent stupid nicknames for each other.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
14 Mar 08 - Logic Prevails
Today an amazing thing happened. Logic prevailed after all. The evil bureaucrats consented to allow us to not wear our body army at the training site since we would just drop it off to sit in a classroom. I know this sounds silly, but commands this logical are few and far between.
However, there is one illogical thing that I'm trying to comprehend. The army recently revised its PT uniform. Earlier, it was just flat gray shirt and shorts. But, since there was a chance of soldiers getting hit by cars while running in their non-reflective gear, the army created a highly reflective uniform. While the new uniforms were still being invented, soldiers had to wear these gay reflective bands with the old gray one. Once the new, reflective uniform was issued, however, the army failed to rescind the order concerning the wear of the reflective band. So, soldiers run around with this practically glow-in-the dark PT uniform as well as a reflective band. A bit of overkill, I'd say.
Training is going pretty well all-in-all. I'm learning a lot, and feel more prepared for the upcoming deployment every day. I really miss my wife, though. I get more and more excited for my upcoming leave. I find myself getting a little cranky from time to time. I think the fact that I'm away from wife and home has something to do with it.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
13 Mar 08 - I brought my armor because...?
Today we went to a training site about 30 miles from our base of operations. The head honchos insisted that everybody wear their IBA (individual body armor) to the training. We weren't sure what the logic behind the command was, but we did it anyway. We arrived at the training site and immediately dropped off all our armor in a tent, then went to a different tent for training.
After training was over, we got our armor on and went home.
We asked a few questions and found out that nobody really knows why we're required to wear our armor to the training. I have a theory, though. That site is used on occasion as a battle tactics training site. Obviously you would want to wear your armor to battle training, so it was required to wear at the facility at all times. However, since a handful (most, actually) of the soldiers that train at that site are just doing classroom work, they're allowed to shed it upon arrival.
To be honest, I really like the body armor. It has had a lot of improvements done to it over the last few years. It doesn't weigh too much and is pretty comfortable, granted you have limited mobility. However, I find it ironic that the army developed the most modern armor they could conjure, and it still looks just like medieval stuff, just lighter.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
10 Mar 08 - Death by Powerpoint
You have to have served in the military within the past 10 years to fully comprehend the term "death by powerpoint". It's something genuinely military. Many people consider a couple of hours at a corporate meeting or at school to be a difficult experience. Well, let me introduce you to the military's rules of powerpoint (ab)use.
1. All powerpoint presentations must be ridiculously long. A civilian "expert" may tell you that powerpoint presentations should be no more then 30 or so slides. Well, that's grossly wrong. Here in the military it is mandatory that there be at least 150 slides per presentation.
2. All presentations must be read word for word to the listeners. Civilians may be perfectly capable of reading and comprehending slides by themselves, but soldiers are not. All military presentations must be read to the viewers word for word in a slow, monotone voice to ensure maximum powerpoint killing power.
3. Each slide must be grossly cluttered. The conventional wisdom that calls for 3 or 4 lines of text that are 5 to 10 words long is a waste of perfectly good space and is just not acceptable. We must attack our powerpoint slides with 3 or 4 or more paragraphs of text. Every presentation must have at least 6 slides that are entirely covered with size 8 font. These slides, like all others, must be read verbatim to all who are present (see rule 2).
4. Technical terms and jargon must be as vague as possible. It is mandatory that nobody immediately understands the meaning of terms in your presentation. Simple, easily understood names and jargon would undermine the necessity and plausibility of having 150 slides in your presentation. Therefore terms such as "human trafficking" or "slavery" must become "trafficking in persons" and "Velcro" must become "hook and button fastener".
5. All presentations must contain at least 50 acronyms, 40 of which must have multiple applications. At least 5 of the acronyms must also be longer in acronym form than in word form. The briefer must at least pretend to know what the acronyms stand for. If asked the meaning of an unknown acronym, the presenter must immediately make up a meaning, thereby improving his versatility.
6. The presenter must not rehearse or prepare his presentation. We in the military must always be able to perform our tasks with minimal effort. Therefore, rehearsal of powerpoint presentations prior to delivery is strictly forbidden. In fact, to ensure that no rehearsal is performed, presenters must download, steal, or at least borrow their presentations from others. He/she is not allowed to view his/her own presentation until the briefing. Once giving the presentation, the briefer must read each slide to himself/herself as it is presented, pause to grasp its meaning, then read it aloud to the crowd. Then, to prove his/her competence, the briefer must have the audacity to ask the listeners if they have questions about the slide that he/she just read.
7. The equipment may not be tested prior to use. Army equipment always works. Any technical failure is obviously human error and not caused by outdated, broken, malfunctioning, or just plane crappy equipment. Projectors must be at least 5 years old and may not have been test run. If a projector is proven to work reliably, it must be commandeered for personal use by a high ranking official immediately, thereby preserving the cycle of digging up old equipment.
8. The briefer must leave his screen saver enabled, so that once he/she has finally hit the one important slide in the entire presentation it turns on, locking up powerpoint, and forcing the briefer to restart either powerpoint or the whole computer. Once powerpoint is back up, he/she must spend at least 5 minutes thumbing through slides in search of the one that he/she was on when the computer locked up. Notice that the briefer did not disable the screen saver even after this incident. He/she must continue to leave the screen saver activated in order to facilitate repeats of the screen saver lockup.
9. Lastly, but most importantly, briefings must last for ridiculously long amounts of time. Soldiers are expected to be able to stay awake for days on end in combat situations, and in order to help facilitate such ability, powerpoint presentations must last at least 7 hours. If one presentation of 200 or so slides occupies an inadequate amount of time, then it must be followed by more presentations until the minimum 7 hour block is covered. If by some chance the presentation(s) do end early, the soldiers must be prohibited from leaving the briefing room until the 7 hours have passed. To insure that soldiers are actually developing their abilities to stay awake for long periods of time and are not aided in any way, all caffeinated beverage dispensers must be kept at least 2 blocks away or simply never be stocked.
These are the rules of military power point use. Hopefully you now have a greater appreciation for exactly what soldiers mean when they say that they have been subjected to "death by powerpoint". It's something akin to torture, and many would probably prefer death to such exposure.
You can probably tell that I had to tolerate some powerpoint today. The subject material was actually good and I learned a lot. But I assure you that the 8.5 hours of slideshows that I endured today was a bit much.
1. All powerpoint presentations must be ridiculously long. A civilian "expert" may tell you that powerpoint presentations should be no more then 30 or so slides. Well, that's grossly wrong. Here in the military it is mandatory that there be at least 150 slides per presentation.
2. All presentations must be read word for word to the listeners. Civilians may be perfectly capable of reading and comprehending slides by themselves, but soldiers are not. All military presentations must be read to the viewers word for word in a slow, monotone voice to ensure maximum powerpoint killing power.
3. Each slide must be grossly cluttered. The conventional wisdom that calls for 3 or 4 lines of text that are 5 to 10 words long is a waste of perfectly good space and is just not acceptable. We must attack our powerpoint slides with 3 or 4 or more paragraphs of text. Every presentation must have at least 6 slides that are entirely covered with size 8 font. These slides, like all others, must be read verbatim to all who are present (see rule 2).
4. Technical terms and jargon must be as vague as possible. It is mandatory that nobody immediately understands the meaning of terms in your presentation. Simple, easily understood names and jargon would undermine the necessity and plausibility of having 150 slides in your presentation. Therefore terms such as "human trafficking" or "slavery" must become "trafficking in persons" and "Velcro" must become "hook and button fastener".
5. All presentations must contain at least 50 acronyms, 40 of which must have multiple applications. At least 5 of the acronyms must also be longer in acronym form than in word form. The briefer must at least pretend to know what the acronyms stand for. If asked the meaning of an unknown acronym, the presenter must immediately make up a meaning, thereby improving his versatility.
6. The presenter must not rehearse or prepare his presentation. We in the military must always be able to perform our tasks with minimal effort. Therefore, rehearsal of powerpoint presentations prior to delivery is strictly forbidden. In fact, to ensure that no rehearsal is performed, presenters must download, steal, or at least borrow their presentations from others. He/she is not allowed to view his/her own presentation until the briefing. Once giving the presentation, the briefer must read each slide to himself/herself as it is presented, pause to grasp its meaning, then read it aloud to the crowd. Then, to prove his/her competence, the briefer must have the audacity to ask the listeners if they have questions about the slide that he/she just read.
7. The equipment may not be tested prior to use. Army equipment always works. Any technical failure is obviously human error and not caused by outdated, broken, malfunctioning, or just plane crappy equipment. Projectors must be at least 5 years old and may not have been test run. If a projector is proven to work reliably, it must be commandeered for personal use by a high ranking official immediately, thereby preserving the cycle of digging up old equipment.
8. The briefer must leave his screen saver enabled, so that once he/she has finally hit the one important slide in the entire presentation it turns on, locking up powerpoint, and forcing the briefer to restart either powerpoint or the whole computer. Once powerpoint is back up, he/she must spend at least 5 minutes thumbing through slides in search of the one that he/she was on when the computer locked up. Notice that the briefer did not disable the screen saver even after this incident. He/she must continue to leave the screen saver activated in order to facilitate repeats of the screen saver lockup.
9. Lastly, but most importantly, briefings must last for ridiculously long amounts of time. Soldiers are expected to be able to stay awake for days on end in combat situations, and in order to help facilitate such ability, powerpoint presentations must last at least 7 hours. If one presentation of 200 or so slides occupies an inadequate amount of time, then it must be followed by more presentations until the minimum 7 hour block is covered. If by some chance the presentation(s) do end early, the soldiers must be prohibited from leaving the briefing room until the 7 hours have passed. To insure that soldiers are actually developing their abilities to stay awake for long periods of time and are not aided in any way, all caffeinated beverage dispensers must be kept at least 2 blocks away or simply never be stocked.
These are the rules of military power point use. Hopefully you now have a greater appreciation for exactly what soldiers mean when they say that they have been subjected to "death by powerpoint". It's something akin to torture, and many would probably prefer death to such exposure.
You can probably tell that I had to tolerate some powerpoint today. The subject material was actually good and I learned a lot. But I assure you that the 8.5 hours of slideshows that I endured today was a bit much.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
9 Mar 08 - Shellshocked
I was rudely woken this morning by the sound of artillery simulators going off all around our building. At first I thought that a propane tank or something had exploded. I stumbled to the door to investigate and noticed that there were actually a bunch of Air Force guys outside running around practicing administration of medical care in a combat zone. Of course this required more artillery simulators than the taliban, al-qaeda, iraq, and iran have mortars combined.
Once I realized what was going on and came to the conclusion that I wouldn't get more sleep this morning, I got in my PT (physical training) gear and went for a run.
For the rest of the day we just shopped for some gear, laid around, and played some games. A bit of a down day, I'd say.
We did have church this evening. It was nice to be able to go to church services and remember what day today really is. It's easy to forget the Lord's day when you are doing the same stuff every day of the week. So it's nice to at least dedicate a portion of that day to Him.
Once I realized what was going on and came to the conclusion that I wouldn't get more sleep this morning, I got in my PT (physical training) gear and went for a run.
For the rest of the day we just shopped for some gear, laid around, and played some games. A bit of a down day, I'd say.
We did have church this evening. It was nice to be able to go to church services and remember what day today really is. It's easy to forget the Lord's day when you are doing the same stuff every day of the week. So it's nice to at least dedicate a portion of that day to Him.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
8 Mar 08 - WTF
I'm not even going to dignify this day with comments on the training therein received. Let's just say it could have been entirely bypassed and nobody would be worse off.
7 Mar 08 - 9mm Qual
I did the M9 (9mm pistol) qualification today. I don't want to brag but, uhghum, I'm now considered an expert marksman. That honestly doesn't mean much. I just had to hit 26 or more out of 30 stationary, midget sized targets at distances ranging from 16 to 36 meters (I got 27). Not that hard really.
It was rather comical, however, to watch the bunch of Air Force guys who qualified before us. There were 11 of them and only 3 got the required 16 or more out of 30 possible hits. Though it was funny to watch a bunch of guys shoot the ground I have to defend them to a degree. These unfortunate souls were afforded no opportunity at all (save a 10 minute briefing immediately prior to their qualification) to familiarize themselves with the M9. Only a couple of the 11 had actually held an M9 before today. I dare say, despite the almost dummy proof simplicity of the weapon, that it really wasn't their fault they shot poorly. It's really a major malfunction in their training.
It was rather comical, however, to watch the bunch of Air Force guys who qualified before us. There were 11 of them and only 3 got the required 16 or more out of 30 possible hits. Though it was funny to watch a bunch of guys shoot the ground I have to defend them to a degree. These unfortunate souls were afforded no opportunity at all (save a 10 minute briefing immediately prior to their qualification) to familiarize themselves with the M9. Only a couple of the 11 had actually held an M9 before today. I dare say, despite the almost dummy proof simplicity of the weapon, that it really wasn't their fault they shot poorly. It's really a major malfunction in their training.
6 Mar 08 - I'm back
I'm back at training. Can't say I'm super excited to be here, but I'm glad to be able to continue the training. I'm not excited for all the makeup work that I'm going to have to do to recover from my 2 day absence. Let's hope that it all goes smoothly.
4 Mar 08 - Homeward Bound
Guess what! I'm home. My request to come home, paired with a red cross message from my wife was enough for the local leadership to send me home for 2 days. I'm unbelievably grateful for this chance to help out Nikki. I have no doubt that she'd be able to cope without me, but I'm especially glad that I'm able to come home to support her.
My parents and other family members either don't know I'm home or are too far away to visit. Honestly, I like it better this way in this particular instance. I know they mean well, but I came home for my wife. I'm here to help her, and visits from random family members isn't really what we need right now. Sometimes healing just goes better when there's nobody around poking at the wound.
My parents and other family members either don't know I'm home or are too far away to visit. Honestly, I like it better this way in this particular instance. I know they mean well, but I came home for my wife. I'm here to help her, and visits from random family members isn't really what we need right now. Sometimes healing just goes better when there's nobody around poking at the wound.
2 Mar 08
I found out that my wife had a miscarriage today. We really were looking forward to having our first baby. We weren't that far along in the pregnancy (9 weeks) but we were almost positive that we were going to have this baby. Nikki took the loss especially hard, but I'm sure she'll get over it. She's a lot stronger than she'd seems to think she is.
I'm really hoping that I'm allowed to go home for a couple of days to help her through this. I'm a little skeptical about my chances of being permitted to go home for this, but I'm going to push for it anyway. We'll see what happens.
I'm really hoping that I'm allowed to go home for a couple of days to help her through this. I'm a little skeptical about my chances of being permitted to go home for this, but I'm going to push for it anyway. We'll see what happens.
28 Feb 08 - Zero
We zeroed (sighted in) our M4's today. Talk about an intensely boring part of training. Imagine sitting around for 5+ hours just so you can shoot 9 to 15 rounds at a target, then sitting around another 2+ hours for everybody else to shoot their rounds then going home. Yawn. I guess there are worse things to do. Nothing comes to mind though.
All in all, however, I am enjoying my training here. Sure it can be immensely boring. Sure we sit around and wait for intermittent flurries of activity accompanied by random individuals shouting "Go, go, go", "Now, now, now", or "Move, move, move", then wait some more. But I'm here with a great group of guys, so it's really not so bad.
All in all, however, I am enjoying my training here. Sure it can be immensely boring. Sure we sit around and wait for intermittent flurries of activity accompanied by random individuals shouting "Go, go, go", "Now, now, now", or "Move, move, move", then wait some more. But I'm here with a great group of guys, so it's really not so bad.
Friday, March 7, 2008
26 Feb 08 - Departure
I left my lovely wife Nikki today to go to mobilization training for my upcoming trip to the middle east.
This morning there was a farewell ceremony at an air base. I dare say the ceremony was too long, a little disorganized, and drawn out. However, the fact that Nikki was able to see me off made it worth it. The governor and some other distinguished visitors saw us off.
We flew to an air base then bussed down to our training site. We spent the rest of the day unpacking, chatting, sitting around, and sleeping. Not too eventful. I did see this humorous set of signs on the wall, though.
I already miss Nikki. I guess its the realization that I won't be able to see her for a couple of months. I've spent over a month away from her already, but I guess the distance amplifies the sensation.
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